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Patriots Blog

Super Bowl LII: Stupid Eagles ruin everything



Sunday, February 04, 2018
 
MINNEAPOLIS — The stupid Philadelphia Eagles ruined everything on Sunday, turning in a stellar performance in what may be the greatest football game ever played, to win Super Bowl LII over the Patriots, 41-33.
 
If not for the relentless and gutsy performance by the Eagles, New England would have tied the Pittsburgh Steelers for the most Super Bowl victories of all time. Instead, Patriots fans had to settle for an emotional thrill ride that while objectively superb, left them drained and dejected.
 
“I’m proud of the way our team played tonight,” Patriots head coach Bill Belichick said. “It just wasn’t quite enough. We weren’t able to perform our best.”
 
Thanks to the friggin’ Eagles and their cringe worthy, “Fly Eagles Fly” song (which is only slightly less dumb than the chant where they spell out the team mascot), Tom Brady may only have five rings when he enters Canton someday. Belichick will have to tell the boat lettering guy not to come this year.
 
Instead of a parade with Duckboats, Patriots fans will have to settle for the fact that their team had an incredible season and remained in contention for a title right up until the very last second of football. They got to enjoy exactly as much of this game as anyone else this year, but at the end had to enjoy it less than the fans in whackadoo Philadelphia, a city whose greatest sports figure is still a fictional boxer.
 
And because the annoying Eagles’ head coach Doug Pederson made an epically gutsy call to go for it on fourth and 1 from the Philly 45 with 5:39 left in the game, the Patriots haters who litter Boston media will spend the next 800 years hammering Belichick for not playing Malcolm Butler in this game instead of eating crow for doubting the greatest coach in this or any sport.
 
“Hats off to them,” Patriots wide receiver Danny Amendola said. “They beat us and they deserved to win.”
 
Of course, if someone had told you that Brady would throw for 505 yards, and the Patriots would score 33 points in this game with zero punts, you would’ve said those stupid Eagles didn’t stand a chance. But the Patriots struggled to convert deep in Eagles territory, Stephen Gostkowski missed a field goal and an extra point, and Brandin Cooks went out early in the second quarter with a head injury on a probably dirty hit from those no-good Eagles.
 
“Losing sucks,” Brady said.
 
And because the stupid Eagles somehow milked one miracle postseason run from Nick Foles, who is otherwise a complete scrub, no one will talk about the fact that Brady had one of the greatest postseason games of all time and was basically unstoppable. Instead, they’ll talk about Foles catching a touchdown on another epically gutsy fourth-down call with a play they named (I kid you not), “Philly Special.” Because they have no imagination at all and it’s probably named after some crummy cheesesteak drenched in liquid goo from a spray can.
 
“There was a time I was thinking about hanging up my cleats,” Foles said. But of course he prayed on it, and he thinks Jesus wanted him to do this. Yeah, he pretty much said that. The Patriots lost because Jesus made Nick Effing Foles stay in the league. Sorry, Pats fans, God hates you now.

If anything is worse than losing to Eli Manning, it is this.

Worst of all, because of the stupid Eagles, Patriots fans won’t get to appreciate yet another incredible football game, this one perhaps the greatest of them, for what it was. Instead, they’ll turn on their radios, and it will be all about Butler and Gostkowski and too many trick plays. It will be the “terrible” defense that had four bad games this season, three of them in September.
 
In the end, no one will dwell on the fact that in a league with 32 teams, your team only owes you a minimum of one championship every 32 years. No one will consider that with five titles in 17 years, the Patriots are 143 years ahead of schedule, while Philly has just one in the entire existence of its franchise.
 
Nope. No one will appreciate this game. This team. This incredible run. No one will consider that making eight Super Bowls is a sign of greatness, even when you only win five of them. Why? Because these stupid Eagles ruined it.
 
Dave Brown is a freelance correspondent who covers the Patriots for the Monitor. You can follow him on Twitter @ThatDaveBrown.