Among the great unwashed

A group of interplanetary aliens studying Americans might easily decide that we are the cleanest bunch of folks in the galaxy.

"They've got all these hand sanitizers," they would say to the Mother Ship. "Stuff called Purell."

Of course these aliens wouldn't know we didn't come by cleanliness altruistically. That we are not clean without a cause. That our true motivation is fear. Yes, fear. The evidence is in the multitude of hand sanitizer dispensers popping up everywhere in response to the threat of swine flu.

But just how clean are we?

According to the Bradley Corp., a commercial bathroom furnishings manufacturer, a majority of Americans aren't washing their hands much more now than before swine flu entered our consciousness. Its survey found 54 percent said they washed no more frequently; 55 percent said they washed only with water.

On the other hand, The Soap and Detergent Association, which gives a report card on Americans' hand cleanliness, says our collective grade went from a C- to a B- this year.

So we're doing better.

Well, some of us. It seems that while 6 of 10 females reportedly wash their hands 10 times every day, only 4 of 10 men do so.

However, 4 of 10 people of either gender also say they never wash their hands after sneezing or coughing.

So how effective can these hand sanitizers really be if so many aren't using them?

To be truly clean and uninfected would require a fanatical cleanliness on a par with Felix Unger of the 1970s sitcom the Odd Couple.

Fanaticism is in the hands of the holder. Years ago, when I rode the New York subways, I would do my best to avoid putting my hands on the handrails. I would wrap my arm around a handrail and let my shirt catch the germs. But how long does a germ last? Am I infected if I touch my arm? If I hug somebody, am I passing it on? If that's so, if a woman sneezes on her shoulder and then hugs me, do I get what she's got?

And don't get me started on the bathroom. Why don't they put the trash can close to the door so when I use my paper towel to open the door I don't have to make a long-range shot that misses, or have to drop the paper by the door? Then there are the hand dryers, which would be fine if everyone washed their hands. Knowing they don't, what do you use to open the bathroom door, toilet tissue?

And since that person who didn't wash his hands is marking every spot, you might as well just keep the paper with you.

That's because people can be downright funky. And not the good, James Brown-type of funky. I mean funky as in "not washing your hands after going to the bathroom" funky. I mean "I just sneezed in my hands but I'm gonna shake your hand and kiss your baby" funky. I mean "I got an itch and I'm gonna scratch it 'cause nobody's gonna see me anyway" funky.

Cleanliness is a good thing - in sickness as well as in health. That is to say, the fear of sickness should not be the motivation for doing something as simple as washing our hands.

Let's face it. It's a funky world.

(Frank Harris III is chairman of the journalism department at Southern Connecticut State University.)