Dear Ivanka,
First, I just want to extend a huge congratulations to you and Jared for your recent purchase of an island in Albania. It sounds like a perfect place to build a resort! I hear, for example, that there is abundant wildlife on this island, but since your family’s respect for the natural world is well known, I’m sure you will be careful. The screaming throngs of Albanian left-wing lunatics know nothing of your stellar reputation.
Also, I don’t think these people fully grasp the selfless reasons why you are moving forward on this project. It is obviously for the sake of humanity. It is a well-established fact that rich people get tired of the same old places and need somewhere new to go from time to time. If we don’t keep building places for them, they’ll get restless. This may lead to massive revolt and cause unimaginable damage to the social order. The Albanian complainers should be thanking you.
It occurred to me as well that without projects of this kind, things could get much worse. In your father’s “golden age” there is only room for entrepreneurs. We don’t want any losers whining about paychecks, salamanders or cancer. Besides, we don’t need them anymore since all the dirty work can be done by robots. What we do want is loyal citizens with the guts to put their own personal wealth above all other considerations. There are plenty of these people, but up until now, they have not had the opportunity to reach their full potential. Therefore, the numbers of rich people will undoubtedly increase.
At present, rich people require at least five massive luxurious homes to stay satisfied and this number is likely to grow as they compete with one another to acquire more stuff. They also need places, like your resort, to get away from these luxurious homes. In addition, as we rapidly destroy the planet, they will need heavily fortified bunkers. How else will they escape the intense heat, blistering dust storms and dirty, angry mobs of climate refugees?
Clearly, this island off the coast of Albania will not be enough to meet the demand.
So, I have a suggestion for you. After your island paradise is complete, would you consider doing some nature-destroying here in New Hampshire? I know it’s not as sophisticated as an island in the Mediterranean, but it’s not nothing. We are already very busy destroying habitat to build luxury homes, so it’s not as though we lack experience. After we’re done, there may be some prime wetlands for you to fill in or some remaining old growth forests you can chop down. Don’t wait too long, though, they are going fast.
But, of course, buying an island because of its natural beauty and then destroying that natural beauty is more than just your contribution to social harmony. It is a spiritual journey as well, part of your search for your authentic self. I only regret that I don’t have the resources to similarly embark on a deep existential exploration of my most profound scatological manifestations. In terms of personal growth, nothing quite compares to bulldozing over a bunch of formally protected species in the middle of a planetary biodiversity crisis. I’m stuck with doing art.
Anyway, who needs this planet? We can always buy another one.
Caelin Graber lives in Greenville. She can be reached at caelingraber@gmail.com.