Like other therapists, I’ve listened to patients suffering obsessions about suicide. Such thoughts are common for teenagers and common with depression at any age.
U.S. physicians statistically average 400 suicides annually, traumatic for families, patients and hospital staff. Rates are high for psychiatrists, dentists, clergy, retired NFL football players, veterans with PTSD, etc.
In the past, therapists hesitated to ask a depressed patient if they had suicidal thoughts, lest the question tip them over the edge. Nowadays it’s routinely asked, knowing the question isn’t dangerous, but emotional isolation, secrecy and loneliness are likely to be.
Of many with the thoughts, fortunately a minority carry through. But a taboo subject, steeped in fear, shame and guilt, is never healing. Understood and shared, the power of suicidal thoughts is diminished.
There’s no magic formula to free oneself of suffering such thoughts. Some find comfort that they can take control and check out if life becomes intolerable. Suicide is caricatured as a permanent solution to a temporary problem. These thoughts may appear unbidden if unaware we’re depressed.
Depression can arise from real or imagined loss, or anger unconsciously turned inward.
A psychologist interviewed patients who attempted suicide and learned many made their attempt wanting to punish another. Some discovered that only after the interview, enabling them to drop the impulse, perhaps to also consult with a therapist, pastor, relative or friend to learn how to address legally and constructively what the anger is about.
Additional ideas for coping:
Have I been stressed so long that I’m feeling trapped and hopeless? How do I cope with stress and commit to that? It’s helpful to learn simple meditation. Many are surprised at how easy and effective it is. Add slow, full, relaxed breathing.
If I’m scared of suicidal thoughts, why? Do I believe I’m captive, with no choice? Am I ashamed of the thoughts so I won’t share them with a friend or therapist, fearing rejection? Why would a friend reject me, let alone a therapist whose job is to understand and relieve human suffering?
If I believe taking my life is a private act others will soon get over, I need to realize it’s never private – it’s permanently traumatic to loved ones, who will feel guilt about not preventing it and angry I chose it, with guilt for their anger.
Last resort, to carry it out, I must choose to do it so loved ones won’t find my body, a shocking, traumatic, possibly hateful act.
With intolerable suffering, we need a discussion with family, pastor, therapist or friend. We may experience being loved enough to drop suicidal thoughts and give up that option.
A therapist counseled four lucky patients who survived their leap from the Golden Gate Bridge. When each jumped, they realized it was a mistake. How many other jumpers, realizing the mistake, were very unlucky.
And so: “To be or not to be.” Books, articles, websites and support groups are available. So are people able by training or instinct to be understanding and caring, able to help us dig our way out, and move forward on our journey toward healing and growth, able to be supportive if our decision won’t change. Emotional isolation, secrecy, shame and guilt are the enemy. Loving, courageous and honest relationships are the healers.
Be well, choose well: Words we may need to hear, and to share.
(Bill Zeckhausen of Laconia is a diplomate of the American Association of Pastoral Counselors.)