If you were lucky, you may have had the opportunity to host a stranger in your home this summer: a calm, happy young person who was actually, at times, enjoyable to hang out with.
That was your kid, free from the breakneck schedule and constant stresses of the school year. Rested. Relaxed. Reconnected with the family. Like I said, if you were lucky.
For some parents, sibling rivalries, wet swimsuits on the floor and the regular refrain of “I’m bored” may have eclipsed any benefits brought on by summer’s lazy pace. But whether the sounds of crickets and the sights of back-to-school store displays have you wistfully scrolling through your vacation photos or doing the happy dance, the fact remains: School days can be stressful days for families.
Here are some ways to help your kids stay calm even as they plunge into a new school year and foster the family connections that will sustain them when things get tough.
Numerous studies show that our surroundings have a big affect on our moods, choices and productivity levels. Elements such as relaxing music, uncluttered surfaces and soothing colors can go a long way in helping your kids unwind at home.
That doesn’t mean you have to devote 25 hours a week to housekeeping. Try just carving out a space where family members can relax together.
Give everyone a say in the layout and decor, and set up some ground rules, such as “inside voices” and “no nagging.”
Schedule and budget for what matters to you – now. In his long-running bestseller, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey urges readers to assess what’s really important to them and plan their daily lives accordingly rather than always letting the most urgent matters on the to-do list take precedence.
Doing so requires more than just using a good calendar app. It requires evaluating priorities and giving high billing to the things that align with your values and goals.
With the school year still a few weeks away, now is a great time to take stock of your family’s ideals and values and create a schedule that prioritizes them.
If you can get your kids to participate in the conversation, all the better. But don’t despair if they can’t or don’t want to articulate their ideals. You can intuit many of them based on what they do share with you, as well as developing family goals you want them to embrace, such as monthly visits with grandparents or family dinners three nights a week.
Turn on the TV? Enough with the hand-wringing already. Our kids know that our mothers used to have to call us in for dinner at dusk every night, our pants stained with dirt and grass and our elbows skinned. They know we had to talk to our friends in person and wait for our favorite TV shows.
Yes, we should limit their technology, and yes, we should find ways to get them outside. But it’s okay to plop on the couch with them and indulge in a little TV or some stupid YouTube videos.
When everyone’s tired and stressed out, or our kids are going through less than charming phases, a few laughs together over pet antics or a fictional family’s larger-than-life dilemmas may be the best we can hope for.
Remember that dad on Freaks and Geeks whose contributions to every conversation consisted of referencing people who ended up dead? Yeah, don’t be like that.
Kids who are airing problems or even just sharing stories from their lives need a nonjudgmental ear.
Of course, there will be times when action or advice is called for, but even in those times, try to ask questions and help your child or teen arrive at a good plan of action instead of simply prescribing it.
One great way to foster communication is to keep a parent-child journal. For kids who have trouble opening up or parents who have trouble shutting up, it can provide a more comfortable conduit for conversation.
Emphasize healthy eating and sleep habits.
Health care company Aetna made headlines earlier this year when it started paying its employees to get a good night’s sleep in response to a growing body of evidence showing the connection between sleep and productivity.
If your kids are past the age when their bedtimes and diets can effectively be dictated, make like Aetna and incentivize them. Studies on the effects of sleep and diet make great science fair projects, too.
Customize your strategies. Some wisdom is universal, but a lot of it needs to be tried on for size or tailored to fit your family’s needs. One kid might positively thrive on structure and lists and spotless work spaces, while another might be at her best when up to her elbows in mess.
One family might love loud, spirited discussions, while another might find that debates inevitably lead to arguments and resentments.
Staying in tune with your children’s individual personalities and needs, as well as the family dynamic, is key to creating a home environment where kids feel comfortable and supported.