‘Rejection,” she said bluntly, “that is what I’m afraid of. If I don’t get in, I’ll feel like a failure.”
In today’s climate of hyper selective college admission, there has been a steady increase in such sentiments – an unwillingness to take risks and an alarming trend of failure adverse anxiety. Some students refuse to apply to a college because it is highly selective and they fear denial.
Other students and their parents manufacture a high school experience that is numbingly overscheduled and uninspired, with a fixation on an acceptance to an “elite” college.
What is the antidote to the societal messages that adolescents receive about aiming high, self-confidence, creativity, disappointment and humility?
Failure – it is time to embrace and reframe failure, not as catastrophe, but rather as opportunity. Not as devastation, but rather as healthy deviation.
The fear of rejection insidiously blankets every aspect of American college admission. For that reason, my hope is that every student receives at least one denial. When I suggest this to students and parents, it is met with looks of disbelief. Why would I encourage failure, they wonder? Simple – we must allow young people to experience setbacks and learn how to confront the accompanying discomfort while still in a nurturing and supportive environment. “But a denial will crush him.” “What will her friends say?” parents question, as if denial translates to failure and failure results in shame.
The problem is that students regard denial as a judgment on their self-worth. Students wonder, “Am I good enough, smart enough, talented enough, or valued?” While it is undoubtedly uncomfortable, it is an appropriate reminder that self-acceptance and confidence is of paramount importance and admission is a subjective decision based on many extraneous factors.
Jessica Lahey, author of The Gift of Failure: How The Best Parents Learn To Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed, argues that these lessons should be learned long before college applications are submitted.
Building on the extensive research and writing of Daniel Pink, Edward Deci, Carol Dweck and others, Lahey, an educator and parent, makes a strong case for allowing children the autonomy to build competence and connection through failure.
In Lahey’s writing, she addresses household chores, youth sports, grades, homework and relationships, in each instance suggesting the power and opportunity in letting go of parental control. She cites Pink’s work on motivation and the notion that extrinsic incentives stifle creativity. When we are driven by external rewards, we are less invested and connected to ourselves, others and our goals. Ideally young people instead build resilience through a series of failures during childhood, which reinforce intrinsic motivation. For many, the college process is the first time they have faced the disappointment of failure and therefore a denial can, ironically, be a valuable developmental lesson.
The “trophy mentality” is equally to blame – equating college acceptance with extrinsic validation and reward. We are more worried about the college bumper sticker we can place on the car than on finding passion and purpose – the why – in what we are doing. We lose the intrinsic motivation that allows us to nurture creativity, take risks and to live authentically. When we manage every aspect of a student’s college search and application process, we are not only robbing them of a developmental opportunity to know themselves, but we also increase the odds that our children’s college experience will lack engagement and they will be ill prepared to weather the highs and lows of independent learning and living.
A February 2012 report by the National Student Clearinghouse Research Center found that at one-third of all college students changed schools at least once within five years, with the largest number transferring in their second year and a quarter transferring more than once. When adults take control of the process – schedule college visits, build their resumes, write their essays, extend deadlines, inflate grades, send emails to coaches from their account, build expectations and present them as infallible beings – we do them a grave disservice.
While we can encourage students to aim high and be intentional about their hopes and dreams, we must also reinforce that that the college search is not just about the end product. In its purest form, college admission is about articulating purpose and intrinsically being rewarded for learning and involvement.
Parents: it is time to let go and allow failure.
Students: take risks, be creative, celebrate your uniqueness and live authentically. Submit for publication that manuscript for the novel you have been writing, try a sport you have never considered or join the cast and crew of the school play.
Do not rely on what comes easily or surround yourself with clones. Be different, be daring and be determined to fail. When it comes to college applications, take a shot – contact that coach even if you are not a top recruit, audition for the collegiate music program, or pursue the competitive summer internship without fear of hearing “no.” Apply to that dream school even if your chances of admission are slim or try for the selective scholarship where the odds are against you. As parents and educators, let us model this process by not staying in our comfort zone, but rather daring to fail while pushing the envelope. It may not always feel good but it sure beats, “what if?”
As Sylvia Plath said, “The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt.” Don’t be a doubter be a failure.
Jessica Lahey, a nationally recognized New Hampshire author, will present on learning, over-parenting and how we think about failure. She will speak at a free event Monday at 7 p.m. at The Derryfield School in Manchester. It is open to the public. For more information, visit derryfield.org.