So here’s the hot question in New England political circles these days. Is there a long voyage in store for Scott Brown, his pickup truck and his barn jacket?
Okay, “hot question” may be a teeny exaggeration. Well, a major exaggeration. But speculating about the future of the defeated Massachusetts senator and failed aspirant for the post of senator from New Hampshire is something connoisseurs of New England political trivia have enjoyed doing for a few years.
After all, the peripatetic Brown has been not only a senator and a commentator on Fox News, but also a hotshot model in New York who posed for a nude centerfold spread in Cosmo magazine in 1982 when he won its “America’s Sexiest Man” contest. Not too many aging politicos have a triumph like that in their resumes!
And now, according to sources – or at least according to Brown – Donald Trump is thinking of naming him as ambassador to New Zealand.
New Zealand! Home to… well, kiwis. I mean the birds, not the fruit, although it may have the fruit as well. They’re flightless birds covered with fuzzy feathers who are viewed as adorable if unofficial national symbols.
In fact, the good people of New Zealand are themselves called Kiwis, which I assume means that they too are fairly adorable if not actually covered with fuzzy feathers.
Scott has no known ties to New Zealand, which could probably be said of 99.9 percent of Americans, so that’s certainly not a disqualification. And to his credit, he told GQ magazine that he’d “always wanted to go.”
Any appointment isn’t likely to happen too soon, though. The Trump folks are just a tad behind in naming candidates for appointed posts throughout the government, and even ambassadors to Spain, Italy and Germany – fairly important allies – have yet to picked.
That will give Scott plenty of time to bone up on important facts about New Zealand. Such as where it is. Which is – well, y’know roughly where Australia is? Okay, think of a place about 2,500 miles away from Australia in the Tasman Sea. (Considering that most Americans today can’t find France on a map of Europe, it’s a good thing we all have GPS systems these days. Especially pilots and ship captains.) It is remote.
Fun fact about New Zealand: While the visible New Zealand is technically not very big – a couple of islands just 1/37th the size of the continental U.S. – it is, in fact, the tippy-top of what should be considered the eighth continent, albeit a continent mostly underwater.
Yes, were we to drain the oceans (not really a good idea), we would find that New Zealand is only the highest part of what scientists are calling a 94 percent submerged “coherent” continent of Zealandia, with all the characteristics of other continents. I’m not sure that discovery has a really significant practical effect on anything today, but it’s still pretty great if you’re a scientist.
And in truth it’s worth pointing out that the tiny visible part of Zealandia – which is to say, New Zealand – is a pretty gorgeous place. My late and much-missed mother-in-law was a zealous traveler who would treat her family to beautifully curated shows of color slides of her adventures, and her pictures of New Zealand were extraordinary, filled with great mountains, beautiful valleys and lush forests.
The country proudly paraded its physical beauty in the Lord of the Rings movie trilogy.
It also has more than 40 million sheep but just 4 million people, a history of progressive government and a climate that is best summarized as mild temperatures, moderate rain and a lot of sunshine. I suspect that Scott Brown and his wife, newswoman Gail Huff – who was until a week ago a “special correspondent” for now (sadly) shuttered NH1 television and between jobs herself – would love the place.
It’s less certain the New Zealanders would love Scott Brown. So far that looks dicey, at least if a headline reacting to his possible appointment is any indication. “It’s an insult!”
It seems that the virtuous Kiwis are unhappy about Brown’s history as a pin-up king. Despite the fact that the nude picture itself is quite artistically posed. Downright decorous, in fact. Plus, the guy was working his way through school using whatever assets he had. In his case, few.
And he hasn’t repeated the deed, although in mid-February of 2014, when he was seeking Jeanne Shaheen’s Senate seat, he popped up bare-chested at Hampton Beach’s annual Penguin Plunge, when mostly not-so-young men who really should know better dash into the icy ocean to raise money for charity.
And, Kiwis, he looked pretty darned good. You really shouldn’t object to a bit of beefcake strolling the streets of Wellington. Particularly since you inflicted Russell Crowe on the rest of the world.
New Zealanders also are understandably repelled by Brown’s fairly enthusiastic defense a few years back of torture, including waterboarding, when dealing with suspected miscreants – a task which in the ordinary course of business doesn’t fall to ambassadors, thank God.
The only defense I can offer on his behalf is that – as is so often said of pretty women – you cannot expect beauty and brains in the same package. But in his case it might be applicable.
I give you exhibit A, Brown’s response when, kicking off his 2014 Senate campaign, he responded to a routine question from an AP reporter, to wit, was he the most qualified candidate in the race.
Brown’s response: “Do I have the best credentials? Probably not. ‘Cause, you know, whatever. But I do have strong ties to this state.”
For the record, he lost the election to Shaheen by about 15,000 votes, which he suggested at the time was the fault of out-of-state people voting illegally. In Trumpian measurements, that would be approximately 314 tightly packed buses of Massachusetts voters.
Anyway, people of New Zealand, many here have long suspected that the real brains of the Brown family belong, in fact, to Gail, who – like most reporters – would be much too squeamish to engage in torture even if given the opportunity.
So calm down, Kiwi friends. And enjoy the eye candy.
(“Monitor” columnist Katy Burns lives in Bow.)