Play the “Cash for Crimes” game
Have you committed a crime against the United States? Beaten and maimed police officers? Smeared your feces on the walls of the U.S. Capitol? If so, congratulations! You may be eligible for a cash award!
Have you taken up arms and attacked the sitting Congress of the United States as it performed a mandated constitutional function? Called for the summary murder of high government officials? That’s not treason! That’s not sedition! That’s money in your pocket!
If you qualify for an award, you’ll receive a check from the Trumpster himself. But wait — there’s more!
Awardees also will receive an invitation to the grand opening of the Donald J. Trump “Let Them Eat (Chocolate) Cake” gold-encrapulated ballroom. Events will include a free and open “no limits” bar, courtesy of the U.S. treasury, and your choice of entrée: a KFC “Mess o’ Nuggets” box or an adult-size Happy Meal, including a collectible Trump figurine (charges apply).
After you dine, stay for the special events. Roar for your fave in a kickboxing cage death match in the ballroom’s regulation Ultimate Fighting Championship ring. After celebrating human brutality, take a grandstand seat at the monster truck rally on the White House’s south lawn.
And remember your special day by purchasing a “Pardon Me, Donald” t-shirt for a special one-day-only price of $89.99. Proceeds will be donated to the Donald J. Trump Memorial Fund to Comfort Aggrieved Ex-Presidents.