Barely a week ago, our dear leader issued his “not-a-Muslim-ban” (wink, wink) Muslim ban, along with a host of other immigration restrictions.
And ever since, an awful lot of people – including what seem to be platoons of writers of sincere letters to the editor of this fine paper – are doing an awful lot of carping about our new president’s new policies pertaining to foreigners who want to crash our patriotic party.
Foreigners is the key word here, which is to say people who are not us. We are Americans. They are not. You’d think that would end the discussion, but no.
A number of the complainers are citing the Statue of Liberty – that green behemoth in New York City harbor – in their lamentations, noting the Emma Lazarus poem inscribed on it. You know, “Give me your tired, your poor / Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free / The wretched refuse of your teeming shore . . .,” blah, blah, blah.
The well-meaning bleeding hearts also point to the nearby Ellis Island immigration museum and assert that the two structures are symbolic of the notion that we are a nation of immigrants, et cetera, et cetera.
People, people, people! That was then, the 19th century! This is 2017, the 21st century! As Sean Spicer, presidential press secretary extraordinaire, said, get with the program!
That gargantuan statue and that nearby antique immigration hall are old. They went up just about the same time that our national lawmakers, in their wisdom, decided that maybe it was about time the feds – who had until then pretty much left immigration rules, if any, up to the various states – decided it was time the big guys got involved. Their first immigration law? They banned Chinese people – who, as far as I know, weren’t even Muslim.
And it was pretty much downhill for immigrants after that.
Not too much time later, our lawmakers decided we also didn’t need “idiots, imbeciles, feebleminded persons, epileptics, insane persons,” among others. Thereafter came a raft of other restrictions and regulations. And now we’re at the logical end of the immigration story, pondering the profound question about immigrants posed several years ago by Steve Bannon, our president’s alt-right consigliere.
“Why even let ‘em in?”
While we digest that – which he asked, presumably, knowing that all the Bannons were safely here – let us consider that Emma Lazarus poem. As I’m sure Bannon would tell you, it was satire. It was ironic. It was funny! “Give me your huddled masses . . .,” sure. History tells us that Emma was widely considered a comedian – the 19th century’s very own Samantha Bee.
And something else about Emma besides her subversive sense of humor. She was a looker! You can Google her old-timey photo, check her out.
Compare her with the gargantuan so-called Lady Liberty, who is sure no 10. Maybe not even a 2! For one thing, she is decidedly, well, hefty. Downright muscular. In an age when the best women aspire to slenderness-to-the-point-of-skeletal, she looks as if she could toss barrels of beer from the back of a delivery truck. Sturdy, but she’d never score in a proper beauty contest. Just ask what’s-his-name at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
And look at that face! To paraphrase a certain politician, who would ever elect such a face – or put it on a statue? I’ll tell you who. It was a Frenchman! One looking to make a huge statue that would make him famous! In fact, Frederic Auguste Bartholdi first offered the really-big-statue-of-a-woman project to the Egyptians for the entrance to the newly built Suez Canal. They turned it down, whereupon he succeeded in selling his idea to the American people, who were going through a phase of being entranced by all things French (which, I’m happy to say, we’re now over).
Yes, all you Lady Liberty lovers – she’s from the sculptor’s rejects pile. Sad!
The statue was dubbed “Liberty Enlightening the World” for fund-raising purposes, but Bartholdi – who was always peeved because he thought (sound familiar?) that his genius and great accomplishments weren’t widely enough praised – supposedly once said, “The Americans believe that it is Liberty that illumines the world, but, in reality, it is my genius.”
I don’t know if that’s true, but truth is overrated these days.
So now that we know the immigration to this country is dead or dying, what do with that obsolete statue? And with that dated immigration museum practically next door?
Well, how quickly can you say “Trump Resort”?
Hey, think about it! Those two islands – Liberty and Ellis – are prime real estate and offer unparalleled views of New York City. And New Jersey, if views of Jersey turn people on. And remember, our current chief executive has embraced the Richard Nixon doctrine. “If the president does it, that means it’s not illegal.”
The Statue on Liberty Island is, yeah, mammoth and a little clunky. But that pedestal would hold a number of amazing rooms. Plus, how about a spectacular getaway up in the crown of the statue? Hey, call it the presidential suite! And charge top dollar.
Then there’s nearby Ellis Island, which is loaded with potential. That museum is a great structure, thanks to American taxpayers and many, many donors who forked over big bucks to turn a decrepit building into a showplace. It could provide not only some really luxe rooms – big bucks there! – but maybe a five-star restaurant!
And the island is loaded with a whole lot more buildings – hospital, recreation center, detention center, dormitories, quarantine buildings among them – many in poor shape. Sure, a few history nuts insist the near-ruins should be preserved. But we already preserve a lot of stuff. I mean, how much more history do we need?
If someone demolished all those crumbling old buildings, it would be perfect for a truly world class golf course and club – huge! – which I’ve heard New York’s harbor really needs.
Finally, the ultimate beauty of the islands is that they’re reachable only by boat. And those vaguely grubby people who with tiresome predictability picket Trump properties certainly don’t look like the sort who pal around with the upscale boating crowd, so the beautiful people wouldn’t have to worry about having their waterfront idylls disturbed.
It is win, win, win! Fewer immigrants. And more playgrounds for the deserving few. What could go wrong?
What’s that, you ask? Who will actually, you know, work at these new luxury playgrounds? Oh, we’ll worry about that later.
(“Monitor” columnist Katy Burns lives in Bow.)