Oge Young is a retired OB-GYN and past president of NH Medical Society.
Some clinical psychologists believe that we are becoming a society of impoverished relationships. This trend is troubling.
Good science has shown the best predictor of our health is human relations, our sense of “connectedness” to others. Two factors are important in building human connectedness. One is our ability to form and maintain relationships. And two is the opportunity to have diverse relationships through family, neighborhood, and places like church, school and our work environments.
The first factor, our capability to form meaningful and enduring relationships, develops primarily in early life, long before the human cortex of the brain matures. Harvard pediatrician Berry Brazelton established 50 years ago how critical newborn bonding is for babies. What he called “attachment” profoundly affects the relationship between child and parent, a relationship that is vital to subsequent relational development.
The trauma of abuse and neglect during infancy creates a feeling of insecurity. In turn, feeling insecure markedly compromises our ability to form healthy relationships. It is said, “the first months of life last forever.” Those who seem to love well have been well-loved.
I continue to ask how we remain the only developed country in the world without paid maternity leave, and one of only a few without paternity leave? It should be no surprise that Europeans live longer than us even though they drink and smoke more.
The second important factor in developing human connectedness is the opportunities we have for meaningful relationships. Society today provides fewer opportunities for relational interaction. In the 19th century, over 60% of households had five or more people; 10% had two or fewer. Today, those numbers have flipped. Only 8% of households have five or more members, and 60% have two or fewer.
Add to this the impact of screen time, and hours in front of televisions, phones and computers. With more texting, tweeting and posting, conversational skills are fading. Storytelling and the capacity to listen are declining. Human touch, eye contact, an affirming smile or laugh are less often present, those non-verbal forms of communication so important in relationships.
Child psychiatrist Bruce Perry M.D., in his book What Happened to You? claims today, “Children and adults are both relationally impoverished and sensory overloaded. Disconnection is the result. We have become more self-absorbed, more anxious, more depressed and a less resilient group of human beings.”
One good example is physicians. Statistics show that “burnout” in the practice of medicine is now over 50%. Historically, physicians have been a very resilient group. With the changes in our now corporate-like medical system, primary care doctors are asked to care for many more patients than is possible. Baby boomers are living longer with complicated medical problems and there are more than ever care options to provide. The result is little time for an intimate physician-patient relationship, imperative to the joy of practicing medicine.
Both caregivers and their patients are unhappy. Confined to offices, primary caregivers are isolated, no longer seeing and experiencing the support of colleagues. The value of colleagues caring for each other should never be underestimated, not just intellectually and physically, but emotionally and spiritually. It is no wonder burnout, and even suicide among physicians continues to rise.
I use the example of physicians because I trained and practiced medicine for 40 years and enjoyed my work more than I ever could have imagined when I was in medical school. Technology and advances in medicine are exciting, but what kept me going in my career were my relationships with patients and colleagues. What keeps all of us going in life is our relationships, and the contentment of connecting with others.