After grieving parents were asked to leave a Bow cemetery for visiting after dusk in September, the town is now working towards a solution — a special waiver that would allow families to visit their loved ones after hours.
On Sept 4, Holly Hyslop, who lost her 19-year-old son Aidan to suicide six years ago, was at his marker around 8:30 p.m. at Evans Cemetery when a police officer approached. She was asked to leave because the cemetery was closed after daylight hours.
Just a few weeks later, on Sept 25, Jennifer Ouellette found herself in a similar situation. Every night after work, she sits next to the resting place of her two sons, Nicholas, 16, and Gavin, 6, who were killed in a car crash in 2021. It is her way of saying “good night.”
That evening, she was asked to leave because she was there past the official visiting hours.
At Wednesday’s select board meeting, members agreed to move forward with a plan to set up an extended-hours waiver. This would allow grieving families to formally request permission to visit the cemetery after dark, with the waiver kept on file with the sexton and Bow Police.
Hyslop said she’s grateful for the town’s empathy and the board’s willingness to find a solution. Still, she added that no rule could truly keep her from visiting her son.
“Even if they said, No, you can’t go, if I felt I needed to go, I would still go,” said Hyslop. “To me, it’s a moot point, but I realize they need to do something.”
Balancing safety and compassion
The primary reason cemeteries in Bow and many other towns are only open during daylight hours is safety, as the town could be held liable if someone trips over headstones or uneven ground while visiting after dark, especially when there is ice or snow.
While the language of the waiver hasn’t been finalized, some residents worry it might not cover everyone.
Deborah Cmar, who lost her son 15 years ago, said that residents who live in town could apply for a waiver that might allow them to visit their children’s graves after dark.
But it might not help her daughter, who lives in Denver.
“If she wants to come home and just stop at the cemetery, she’s not going to have a waiver on file,” said Smart. “ I think it takes the personal part of our community away.”
She added that she would much prefer if the police simply drove through, checked what was happening, and moved along.
I’m not in favor of outright prohibiting a parent from having a drink with their son or daughter in the cemetery
Kip MCDANIEL, Bow Select board chair
Ken Miller, chief of the Bow Police Department, said the department received several reports of underage drinking, excessive trash, skid marks on the cemetery road, and vehicles blocking the road, preventing other visitors from passing through. In response, the department increased patrols at the cemetery.
Alongside the waiver, the selectboard discussed notifying police when families visit after hours.
Chris Nicolopoulos suggested residents make a quick call to the police before visiting.
“I just want to ensure that we have as little interaction with these folks that have signed waivers as possible,” he said.
But, for residents like Ouellette, who usually visit the cemetery after 5 p.m. and sometimes multiple times a day, this could feel like an added burden in an already heavy heart.
Eleana Colby, a selectboard member, found the extra step unnecessary.
She said that if a resident did call, the request would go to Merrimack County dispatch, which would then have to route it to the Bow Police Department, creating extra steps.
“I do not think we should be adding a call to dispatch. I just think that’s too much,” Colby said. “The weight of losing a loved one is a burden we carry for the rest of our lives, adding to that burden with tedious paperwork or a set of tasks to complete prior to each visit.”
At some headstones, there are miniature liquor bottles, left not as litter but as a tribute to those who have passed away.
The cemetery rules in Bow do not explicitly prohibit drinking, and selectboard members agreed that a small toast in memory of a loved one should not be a problem, as long as it is not disruptive.
“I’m not in favor of outright prohibiting a parent from having a drink with their son or daughter in the cemetery,” said Kip McDaniel, select board chair. “That’s not what I want to be doing. It’s not why I got involved in town politics.”
