Don’t tell Jean Durgin of Henniker that the War on Terror in Afghanistan was a failure.

In fact, don’t try to convince any Gold Star Mother, or anyone else for that matter who’s suffered a loss over there, that the recent chaotic, deadly scenes from Kabul International Airport signify any sort of defeat at all.

“Someone asked me if my son had died in vain,” said Durgin, whose son, Russell, was killed in Afghanistan on June 13, 2006. “I told him, ‘don’t say that.’ They’re asking for an opinion. Well, what I wish is that we had not stayed there for 20 years.”

That was her focus. That and the great service and sacrifice made by our military. They saved lives, American as well as Afghan. They opened schools to women, treated them with dignity. They tried to make the country’s fighting force a fighting force. They provided protection from the Taliban, showed camaraderie and courage and selflessness of the purest kind.

So be careful when you label this war as a “failure,” or “waste,” now that the Taliban has regained control of the country. Our nation served with honor, trying to do something good, and that’s the lens Gold Star Mothers look through.

“I never want to say that (Russell) died in vain,” Durgin told me. “They were trying to keep the peace, and they succeeded in bits and pieces. When I hear how women were treated before we were there and I hear how they gained some respectability, and when I hear they had the ability to go to school, this was not a failure.”

The other lens is harsh. It focuses on the return of the Taliban, which once provided a safe haven for Osama Bin Laden, before the Sept. 11 attacks. That’s an easy lens to use for those who have not lost a child in Afghanistan.

Don Bolduc grew up in Laconia and is now a retired Army brigadier general. He served 10 tours in Afghanistan and earned a Bronze Star and Purple Heart. He’s also running for U.S. Senate for a second time.

He acknowledged that some individuals, including historians, will narrow the war’s theme down to geopolitical terms. Asked if the public perception that we lost ground in the War on Terror was the bottom line for many, Bolduc told me, “Some are justified in making that assumption.”

But Bolduc lost dozens of military personnel in Afghanistan. He knows that other lens, that other side of the war, and that’s what he preferred talking about.

“The men and women who went over there,” Bolduc said, “did their missions well and saved lives and allowed freedom to take hold, freedom for women to go to school, for people to farm their land, raise their families. Bad policy and strategic decisions do not reflect on them negatively.”

Durgin shifted gears now and then, allowing some skepticism to slip through during our interview. She wondered how, after 20 years of U.S. money, equipment and training, the Taliban were able to maintain enough power to sweep across the country like a track star.

“Didn’t we fight them through the years?” Durgin asked.

Her passion, however, lay elsewhere. Her pride, too.

Russell was killed when his unit took smalls arms fire in Afghanistan 15 years ago. Durgin then tried to convince lawmakers that personalized flags – sponsored by the state like MIA/POW flags – for New Hampshire’s war dead was appropriate and well-deserved.

Russell succeeded in Afghanistan for a simple reason: he cared. Durgin has photos of him comforting Afghan children, stories about an Afghan patch, possibly buried with him, that the natives gave him in appreciation for his friendship, stories about his conscious effort to keep spirits high.

“The men said that under the worst conditions, he could make them smile,” Durgin said. “He’d get them up in the morning and was doing skits from Saturday Night Live. These are quotes from his men.”

And these are words from Russell’s mom. A Gold Star mom. A mom with an unseen conflict that other Gold Star moms feel, a struggle over losing a son in a war, then watching her country exit before an ultimate goal was reached.

And that last point can be debated. What was the goal? Kill Bin Laden? Democratize the country? Destroy terrorist cells, stop them from growing?

A lot was accomplished over there. A lot was lost. Nearly 2,500 U.S. service members died over there.

And lived over there.

“People say they’re sorry for your loss, and I tell them you lost him, too,” Durgin said. “There were so many positive things said about Russell. He was there for a reason, and I wonder how many people he touched.

“Still touches.”

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