Belichick nears completion of 20-year plan to destroy Patriots, civilization

Published: 3/18/2020 12:05:08 PM
Modified: 3/18/2020 12:03:40 PM
FOXBOROUGH, Mass. — New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick on Tuesday neared completion of his 20-plus-year plan to destroy the franchise he works for while destabilizing all of civilization.
By pushing out the Patriots legendary quarterback Tom Brady on Tuesday, Belichick finally leveraged his arrogance to shut down a machine he has furiously been trying to sabotage since he became head coach and general manager in the year 2000. At the same time, the economy continued to plunge toward oblivion as America and much of the world remained prisoners of social distancing, leaving their homes only to stockpile paper goods and meat.
Long recognized as a genius, Belichick graduated to evil genius this week by cutting ties with Brady, the soon to be 43-year-old quarterback, amid global chaos. There is simply no chance of the Patriots succeeding in 2020 without the greatest player in franchise history and the greatest quarterback of all time. Often described as a noodle-armed passer in decline who is bound to fall off an actual cliff at any moment, Brady is also the steadying force without whom New England can barely tie its collective shoes.
The following details remain unclear about Brady leaving the Patriots for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers: 1. Exactly why it is Brady chose to leave; and 2. what Belichick could have done to keep him playing in Foxborough. Was it a lack of appreciation, money and top-tier receivers? Was it all of those things? None of those things? We don’t really know. That said, those finer points are irrelevant, because even without showing the work, we know the math adds up to one thing: Belichick is at fault because his approach to building a deep, economically efficient roster is arrogant, stupid and intentionally designed to guide the Patriots into football irrelevance.
Of course, Belichick has met a number of challenges in working toward his twin goals of ending the Patriots and life as we know it. The unprecedented six Super Bowl victories will surely go down as an embarrassment. As will a bull market that ran for a record 11 years before concluding earlier this month. Belichick came tantalizing close to meeting his nefarious goals in 2008 when the housing market crashed and Brady suffered a torn ACL, ending his season in Week 1. In 2009, things were looking even more bleak when the Patriots struggled to a 10-6 mark with a one and done playoff performance while the H1N1 “Swine Flu” infected as many as a billion people worldwide.
But the Swine Flu proved decisively less fatal and less disruptive than COVID-19, and Belichick made the classic blunder of shedding overpaid older players like Adalius Thomas and Randy Moss in the coming months. Before he knew what hit him, the Patriots were back in the Super Bowl in 2011 and society was nearing recovery from the 2008 economic meltdown. Swine Flu was but a distant memory.
Once again, Belichick’s strategy of moving away from well-liked, franchise favorites before their skills declined enough to diminish their value had bit him badly. Just as it had with Drew Bledsoe in 2001, Lawyer Milloy in 2003 and Darrelle Revis in 2015. But Belichick’s steadfast adherence to this policy has finally doomed the Patriots for good as they cannot conceivably recover from the loss of Tom Brady.
As of press time, there was some concern from the Belichick camp that second-year quarterback Jarrett Stidham could become the starter, thereby giving the Patriots a notable salary cap advantage in the next few seasons. Presumably, the coach is planning to squander that advantage by building the best special teams unit he possibly can.
Dave Brown is a freelance correspondent who covers the Patriots for the Monitor. You can follow him on Twitter @ThatDaveBrown.

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