Genius country hates the Patriots

Published: 2/2/2018 6:59:14 PM

Genius Americans crowd into mall to watch football guys talk about football.

BLOOMINGTON, Minn. — According to sources reporting from everywhere, the entire genius country that is the United States of America totally hates the New England Patriots and would rather see another team in the Super Bowl for once. Like the Jacksonville Jaguars, the intellectually superior nation thinks. That would be nice!
America, which is clearly in the top 1 percentile of human intelligence, is irked by the fact that Super Bowl participants are determined by a fair competition that rewards the two very best competitors. Because America is so darn smart, it would rather pick on its own. This is a practice that always goes well, like the last time the brilliant country tried to choose a leader for itself and narrowed the field to the two most-hated political candidates of all time.
Yeah, America always knows what’s best for itself, because it’s so sharp.
Perhaps a byproduct of its epic intelligence, America apparently hates good football games. While the Patriots have appeared in seven of the 16 Super Bowls since 2001, not one of their games has been decided by more than six points. And the six-point game was tied at the end of regulation. It featured a New England rally from a 28-3 deficit with just over 2 minutes remaining in the third quarter. They scored two 2-point conversions and Julian Edelman made a totally bonkers, can’t-believe-it-happened catch, and the Pats forced the first overtime in Super Bowl history. It was the greatest finish to any Super Bowl ever.
America totally hated it, obviously, because they are hideously bored with the Patriots. Smart people are sick of Malcom Butler’s interception, David Tyree’s catch, Mario Manningham’s catch and Tom Brady’s last-minute, game-saving drives, and no one talks about any of those ever when they talk about great moments in sports, because they all happened when the Patriots were in the Super Bowl.
Also hate-worthy, here is the aggregate score of the Bill Belichick-era Patriots Super Bowls at the end of regulation: 163-157. Through 60 minutes of play, their average Super Bowl game is a 23.3-22.4 Patriots victory. In six of those seven games, the outcome was determined in the final minute, pretty much down to the final play. It probably would have been seven of seven games, but Andy Reid is a clock management super genius. When people say the commercials are better than the games, they’re talking about the games the Patriots don’t play in.
But smarty pants America loves commercials and hates football that is better than commercials.
America is also sick of Bill Belichick and Tom Brady. Why? Because they are unrelatable and work hard. There is absolutely no reason to appreciate a guy who eats avocado ice cream, because that is weird. The man has quinoa shipped to his house and drinks 800 ounces of water per minute, which is not as admirable as all-world quarterback Peyton Manning, a man who has had HGH shipped to his house and been accused of sexual assault.
No, America is too smart to see avocado ice cream as an admirable symbol for a man so consumed with his job that he bastardizes the most universal pleasure in the world with the hope can squeeze in another snooze-button worth of time on his playing career.
Nope. Even cunning America was briefly fooled in 2001 when it thought Brady was just some lucky kid who stumbled in off the street to win one Super Bowl and then disappear into a sweet, warm spot in our memories. But America caught on quick. It turns out Brady was one of those arrogant jerks who is always trying to improve. Who tests the limits of what effort is and makes us all rethink whether we’re really even trying.
None of this is cool in Brainiac Nation. How could this country put up with a man who wears a hoodie and constantly outfoxes his competition because he was raised on game film and has thought something over three or four times before the other coaches even knew it was a thing? It can’t. It can only process Belichick as a cheater, and it can never forgive him. Why? Because when he got caught videotaping in the most boring and least important incidence of rule-bending ever, people were too smart to remember that they don’t care about stealing signs in any other instance.
Indeed, poor, genius America may have to put up with another outstanding football game. Because while America is so smart for loving its iPhones and two-day delivery, it also hates knowing about the sweat and sacrifice that goes into innovation and greatness.
It’s the worst, America reports.
Dave Brown is a freelance correspondent who covers the Monitor for the Patriots. You can follow him on Twitter @ThatDaveBrown.

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